debbiel66: (Sam and Dean cloudy sky)
[personal profile] debbiel66
Hey... here I am making my 2nd non-fic LJ post ever, and I really have no idea why. It's just that I've been fully immersed in my Big Bang for the past six or so weeks, and all of a sudden, I realized I'm close to the end of it, and it's kinda sad...

It's a weird feeling. I've got over 27,000 words written, probably have another 5,000 to go, and I'm already feeling a little bereft. Is this normal? I always feel a little sad after a story is written, but I've been finding myself stalling for the past couple days. I could probably sit down and finish this thing today, but I'm just not sure I want to.

Maybe because I usually write shorter stories, but I just don't want to let this one go, even though there's a looming May 1st deadline and the rest of my April is so busy. I just feel like I've bonded with this one - it's been one of those very rare stories that has given me so little grief. Apart from a two day bout of writer's block, it's pretty much written itself, and maybe because I know how rare that it, I am reluctant to let it go.

I always have the niggling worry when I'm writing... that maybe this will be it. Maybe I'll never have another story idea, maybe I'll never have another conversation that writes itself, maybe I'll never be able to imagine a scene fully enough that I want to write it down. Maybe, this will be the last story that comes easy, and so on and on and on it goes.

I've been doing this all morning, while I sit here not writing the last section of this story. Sigh.

But coffee makes up for a world of woe, so I shall drink some more and get back to hedging and stalling a little more. :)

Date: 2010-04-07 05:51 pm (UTC)
innie_darling: (dean is a man of many talents)
From: [personal profile] innie_darling
I didn't know you were doing BB this year! I look forward to reading it!

My advice to you would be to go ahead and finish it, turn in the rough draft to the mods (and make their lives easier), and give yourself a few days away from the story. That way you'll have fresh eyes on it when your beta gets it back to you and you can tinker and edit to your heart's content.

I firmly believe you'll have lots of story ideas, and if you don't, there are lots of people ready to prompt you!

Date: 2010-04-07 06:36 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Aw, thanks so much! That is good advice. I know... I need to finish... I think part of the thing that's throwing me is the long time period between finishing and posting. I'm used to finishing a story, sending it off to betas, posting the darn thing, and then being done. This is my first time ever doing this type of challenge, and it's a little intimidating.

And I definitely will be begging for prompts once this is over. This story actually came from a prompt from Roque Clasique's birthday comment meme, so there's precedent. :)

Date: 2010-04-07 07:20 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
When I finished writing 'Thursday's Child' (all 114,000 words of it!) I was bereft for weeks. I didn't feel happy at all. It was like my only child had gone off to school and left me all alone at home. :(

Date: 2010-04-07 07:53 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
So glad to know it's not just me... although sorry you were bereft and all.

And 114,000 words??? Seriously??? Did you know it was going to be long when you started or did it just sneak up on you? I'm finding 30,000 words so hard to control.

Maybe that's part of the problem.

Date: 2010-04-07 07:59 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
I knew! It was a mission, but somehow it all came together at the end. And I'm very proud of it, thankfully!

Controlling anything over 10,000 words can be tough. Just be strict, I guess, and don't meander too much. Although your fics are always fab so I doubt you need any advice from me! What's this one about?

Date: 2010-04-07 08:13 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Meandering is the thing I'm worried about. I usually have the problem of over-editing. I'll write something and edit out a third of it - I've always been that way. Less is more, that sort of thing. With this one, I keep finding these extra little scenes, and I don't know if I'm stalling. It's weird because I never go off the plan like this.

The story came from Roque Clasique's bday meme: What if John is the one who goes to Stanford to get Sam, and Dean is the one who is missing...? It's turned into an AU for the pilot/Season 1.

Turns out that I really love Season 1 boys, so that's probably contributing to my reluctance to finish up as well. Thanks so much for the encouragement - I've never done a challenge before and all advice is gratefully appreciated!

Date: 2010-04-07 09:30 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Ok I'm sorry, I'm butting into this post too but I was reading what your bbang is about and this just intrigues me so much. The John and Sam dynamic is something we rarely see and especially when feelings and emotions are at their rawest between these two. I mean there is lots after they've come to terms with each other because of the demon but not much before Jess or even directly after. I am really looking forward to this even more so now.

Date: 2010-04-07 09:33 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
I have adored writing John in this. My reaction toward him varies wildly, depending on which POV I'm in, but it's something I so desperately wish we'd have had more of on the show. It's part of the reason I'm reluctant to finish this story. :)

Date: 2010-04-07 07:57 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
First Congrats on bbang and challenging yourself with a writing a story so large. :)

I don't write but I do know how you feel about finishing something that you have laboured over and are happy with the results but are almost scared to finish in case it never goes that way again.
I get that way with painting because I struggle so much with myself and things being just right(ok I'm a perfectionist I admit it) When and if I finally get to that place-of comfort I guess- its hard to let it go.

I don't have any answers but you have so much talent that I can't see it just drying up overnight.

I am dying to read your bbang. ;)

Date: 2010-04-07 08:08 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Thank you!!! It's been one of my happier writing experiences, and overall the story has come so easily... it kind of has me freaked out, how little trouble this one has been. I almost pulled out of the challenge, but [ profile] ancastar talked me back into, and I'm so glad she did.

There's plenty left to write and to edit, but it's just a little melancholy being so close to the end. :)

Date: 2010-04-07 08:43 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
I like your non-fic LJ posts (and your fic ones too, of course.)

But I can understand how hard it is to let a long story go - you've put so much time and effort into it - and I find in order to write a story, I need to really believe it, and it's hard to see the universe you've created disappear.

Date: 2010-04-07 09:32 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
I like your non-fic LJ posts (and your fic ones too, of course.)

Thanks! Although I like to read other people's non-fic posts, it never occurs to me to do my own. LJ=story... that's how it's been for the past year or two.

But I finally gave myself permission to go ahead and write the scene I've been avoiding. It's so hard to write a climatic scene because it takes so much quiet intensity, something I don't have a lot of in my zoo of a house. Someone is always wandering in, wanting me to make them a smoothee.

Can't exactly say, "I can't right now. I'm right in the middle of a conjuring..." :)

I do understand why people create 'verses though. It's very hard to let a world go, once you've put so much thought and heart into it.

How's your story coming along?

Date: 2010-04-07 10:20 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
First of all, I read the description of what the story's about above, and it sounds awesome--can't wait to read it! And glad it's been such a good experience to write!

I don't think I've ever had that experience with fic (where I'm usually just kind of panic stricken that I've written anything at all), but I definitely have with big rl writing projects. When something has been part of your life/ mind for a long time, it's hard to think about saying "good-bye" to it--not being able to think about it again. Sad--not so much in a "giving birth" kind of way, though people use that metaphor for writing--it's more like mourning a loss.

But, not entirely, of course--you'll still think about it even after it's done--it'll always be part of you! We'll just get to share it!

Date: 2010-04-07 11:05 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Hee, thanks! I've literally been writing all day long and just passed the 30,000 word mark. I had no idea it was going to be this long.

I'm sure it will be fine... there will be plenty to write after the season finale (she says optimistically), and I suppose I can always eventually come back to this world if I want to. I pushed myself through the scene I'd been putting off, and while it needs a lot of editing, I've reassured myself that I can do it.

It is hard to let go though.... :)

Date: 2010-04-07 11:05 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
I'm so giddy that you're writing! And I'm not even a fan of AU's normally, but you know I'll read this!

It's funny - when you described how you were feeling, it reminded me of fandom. I'm kind of a serial monogamyst when it comes to fandoms - I watch several shows, but only one at a time drives me to read and write fanfic and all the assorted activities of the truly besotted.

But SPN isn't my first. And each time, as my show waned, I found myself thinking - what if there is never again a show that captures my heart and steals my soul like this? What will I do?

Honestly, it's lovely to hear that you're in love with your own fic. Almost makes me want to get back to my stalled WIP, in the naive hope that maybe one day I might feel that way about a story of mine, too! Bless you!

Date: 2010-04-07 11:09 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Lol, I definitely wouldn't say I'm in love with my own fic... But I'm definitely in love with early season one Sam and Dean, and I've been having a lovely time hanging out with them. They were so young and innocent, their angst relatively simple.

And John... I've loved spending time with John. It's definitely a hate/love thing, but I wish we'd had more time with him - definitely wish I saw him interact more with his boys.

And definitely get back to your stalled WIP! What's it about? I'd be happy to provide cheerleading in any way.

Date: 2010-04-08 12:16 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
What I'd really love to do is give it to you as a prompt and have you write it!

And... on the subject of John! It's so interesting what the show has done with him this season. We have Dean flat out remembering all the ways their Dad really let him down, and Sam openly telling John he wishes he could tell his dad that he understands and forgives him. Quite a reversal from season 1.

This show makes me teary-eyed just thinking about the characters and how much they all suffer and struggle and grow and *care*!

Date: 2010-04-08 12:48 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
I may be begging for prompts when this is finished... :)

I agree that the show does such a beautiful job of showing the complexities. I never see any one character as being at fault. They're almost too real in the way they portray family. It hurts to watch sometimes.

Date: 2010-04-08 01:02 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
I always have the niggling worry when I'm writing... that maybe this will be it. Maybe I'll never have another story idea, maybe I'll never have another conversation that writes itself, maybe I'll never be able to imagine a scene fully enough that I want to write it down. Maybe, this will be the last story that comes easy, and so on and on and on it goes.

Will never happen. At least, not until you're good and ready for it to.

Between now and then, you have too many stories left to tell. And the show might edge out three more years, instead of just one! So! Whenever you need a helping hand/gentle push/downright shove to write, you know where to come looking. Or you, know, we might just come looking for you. *leers* :)

Date: 2010-04-08 01:30 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Your helping hand has been very much appreciated... it would be so hard writing these things without any feedback. I managed to push through the scene that was giving me trouble.

Btw, you made my day today knowing you liked the Sam & Dean scene. Thank you SO much!

Date: 2010-04-08 01:32 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Any time. :)

Date: 2010-04-08 01:56 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
I want to be selfish and just say finish and send it off. Because then it will come back and get posted and I can read it!

I think this is one of the reasons I don't do long stories very well. Every fic I write, even the ones I don't like very much are kind of like kids. I fix them up and send them out in the world but I feel a little worried about it. If I had to send that much out in to the world, maybe it would be harder. I don't know.

But you should finish. Go back and edit if you want and then send it off. Maybe there will be more stories to tell based on this AU. You are the writer. Think of it not as an ending but as a beginning!

Oh and can I tell you how happy I will be to read some new John stuff. *whines and wags tail*

Date: 2010-04-08 02:05 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
That's the frustrating part for me about doing this sort of thing... I can go ahead and finish it but might not end up being scheduled to post until late summer. I figure the good thing is that by that time, I won't be so emotionally involved with the thing. But I feel the same way with longer stories. It seems like it's harder letting them go, which is probably why I avoid writing them. There's also the whole immediate gratification thing.

Hey, do you know if Summer Gen is happening this year? That might be one I'd be willing to try - was too chicken last year. :)

Date: 2010-04-08 02:07 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
I don't know about Summer Gen. I have never done it either. But if you hold my hand I will jump with you!

Date: 2010-04-08 02:11 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
I don't know about Summer Gen. I have never done it either. But if you hold my hand I will jump with you!

Whee!!! Let's do it. :)

Will try to see if it's still happening. I can see the light at the tunnel with this one, and I think I'll need another tunnel to explore.


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